Star Crash

Have you ever wondered what Star Wars would be like if it really sucked and involved David Hasselhoff? Neither have I, but there's an answer to that question. If they only knew what they had in The Hoff they would surely have featured him more prominently in this trailer.

Joe and I Shouldn't Be Allowed to Look at Things

Joe: ha ha stupid ad
still waiting for h* "new toon soon" my black ass

me: So does this mean that the model won the international pussy stretchoff in '06?

Joe: she did indeed

me: That's talent.

Joe: quadruple fisting? easy.

me: But there's always another girl who'll come along and engulf the hood of a cadillac and she'll be yesterday's vaginal news.
It's an engorging sport.

Joe: I would think there'd be more large sista girls involved
seems like more room

me: You'd think. Isn't that ultimately why dudes like skinny girls, the tight fit?
It's why I like Asians. That and the fact that if they're fresh off the boat I appear to be hung like a fucking donkey.

Joe: well, the tight fit rules out all the good stuff
And they're hot

me: They also age well.
Good genetics.

Joe: and their light weight combined with sake! Well...

me: Ease of inebriation is an undervalued racial trait.

Joe: Those Native American ladies know how to party

Joe: Firewater I bring.

me: They love that shit too. It's like an aphrodisiac/moral kryptonite combo.

Joe: Ooooh, moral kryptonite, I super-love that.

Matthew and Me on Dicks

Matthew: my boss is a cocksucker

me: Making you stay late?

Matthew: called me a liar and said I looked on the internet for all the trivia questions that he sent out.

me: I haven't met this person have I?

Matthew: Called me a liar in an email to the entire customer service group. No you have not met him

me: You should send him back a message calling him a nincompoop who didn't know the answer to his own fucking trivia question.

Matthew: called Sputnik 1 wrong, said the answer was Sputnik. I sent him the wikipedia entry and he called me a liar

me: Or you can just quote me.

Matthew: I wrote him back saying, "I'm sorry, you must have been the one who taught history"
I think he was just embarrassed that I got 12 out of 14 of his questions

me: People are really small sometimes. I don't get that.

Matthew: He drives a corvette which he always parks straddling two parking spaces outside

me: So he's like an uberdick. He sounds like the dick boyfriend the protaginist has to overcome in a romantic comedy.

Matthew: well put

Matthew: I have sent roughly 100 emails since 11am EST

me: I have sent far fewer.

Matthew: I'm writing to a customer who's business is called "Facial Bliss"

me: Please tell me it has something to do with cum and eyeballs.

My First and Possibly Only Super Bowl Blog

I did something unusual for the Super Bowl this year. I watched the whole thing...at least to the point when Rexie plunged a dagger into his team's collective heart. There have been a lot of QBs play in the Super Bowl, but Grossman is the worst I've ever seen. I think I can back that opinion up with a string of five plays on consecutive possessions by the Bears. The first of these heroic feats of ineptitude came just before halftime. The Bears had been getting their asses kicked for about a quarter but only found themselves down by two. Indianapolis had just fumbled the ball to them during a drive when Rexie worked his magic, a fumbled snap on first down that was entirely his fault. It was recovered by Indy and it looked like they would seize full control of the game, but the Bears' defense held (as they inexplicably did for most of the evening when the Colts threatened) and Vinatieri had a nearly unheard of miss. The second half started with the Colts running off half the clock during a field goal drive. Finally, Rexie would have a chance to implement the adjustments the Bears made at the half. He started with a twelve yard dump to a running back. That was followed by a nine yard run. Suddenly the Bears were at midfield and looking like they may have figured something out. What they should have figured out long ago is that Rex Grossman is not an NFL QB. On second and one Rexie dropped back, was pressured and slipped down for an 11 yard loss. That happens. The field was wet. Rexie then proceeded to fumble his second snap out of five. He managed to pick this one up and fall down for a 10 yard loss. The Bears punted. I could have picked some ill-advised deep throws and two yard dumps when he had time to look downfield, but fumbling snaps should almost never happen when you're a pro QB. Two in back-to-back possessions is fucking inexcusable. The most amazing thing about this Super Bowl is that it wasn't 45-10.

Now let's talk commercials. I don't generally get into the commercial hype surrounding the Super Bowl. They're fucking commercials. They suck almost universally, and the Super Bowl just gives us more and longer commercials. However, since I watched the bulk of the game I saw some commercials and one of them disturbed me immensely. Those of you who saw them are probably thinking, "It was the two dudes kissing over a Snickers I bet." You'd be wrong. Others of you may think it was watching a man in a heart suit get the shit beat out of him by Batmannish (think '60s camp Batman) henchmen labeled "diabetes" and "obesity". Maybe you think watching a city's worth of men stripping off clothes and grinding on a car was as bad as it could get. While all three of those were disturbing in their own ways, I'm talking about something that would make a pederast necrophiliac cringe. It begins with Tim Allen and ends with William H. Macy. It is a movie with a notable cast that looks so bad I wouldn't accept money from others to see it, let alone actually give my own to someone else for the privelege. It is called "Wild Hogs" and it is apparently about middle-aged men and motorcycles. But that really doesn't sound like the worst movie with major stars you've ever heard of. Trust me, it is. I'll be including the trailer at the end if I can find it. Here's the cast (thank you IMDB): Tim Allen, John Travolta, John C. McGinley, Ray Liotta, Kevin Durand, Martin Lawrence, Marisa Tomei and William H. Macy. Now I realize that not all of those people are good actors. I think Tim Allen and William H. Macy go together like spam and everything else on the planet, but you should be able to make a movie with that cast appear viewable in a trailer. The trailer is supposed to be the best stuff, and if that's true in this case it will be a shitty movie indeed. Pay special attention for the cartoon sound effect when Travolta kicks some leaves. Maybe it's in the movie and maybe it's not. How much is it worth to you to find out?