The Ideal Pancreas

Fuck Yeah, I'm Divergent!

Have You Ever Heard of the Food Chain?

Snakes in a Country

"I'm tired of these motha' fuckin' snakes in this motha' fuckin' country!" - St. Patrick, 403 AD

Ah, to be the patron saint of the drunkest country on the planet. A survey proved this. It's not just conjecture. I, alas, am not a Catholic, nor a Christian, nor a "believer in God" for that matter. There will be no sainthood for me. Still, I celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Why? Mainly, it's the booze. Sure, hanging out with friends is cool, but they pale in comparison to Mr. Guiness and his associates T. Dew and Doc Jameson. Those fuckers know what's up.

I don't mean to belittle the roots of this most drunken of holidays, but really, to believe that a man's words drove snakes out of Ireland is fucking amazing to me. Unless it was one word, and that word was "mongoose." Snakes hate fucking mongeese. Other things snakes hate fucking: garden hoses, sticks and bullwhips. I know the old testament is down on snakes, but I bet after St. Patrick did his deed there were a ton of bugs in Ireland, annoying the fuck out of people. I think St. Patty didn't get ecology. But hey, nobody's perfect, not even a saint.

So, tomorrow marks the day of the man's death. It's like a massive wake really. In honor of that, me and my good friend at the Sunshine Empire will be drinking Sparks and Guiness. Why Sparks you ask? Because if it existed during St. Patrick's time on this ball of dirt he'd have drank the shit out of it. St. Patty was cool in that respect. Oddly, if God had provided Sparks to the Irish instead of whiskey, they'd have taken over the earth. History is full of oddities like that. One change here or one change there and we'd all be speaking Russian. Fortunately this is the best of all possible worlds and English is the dominant language. Man did I luck out. So drink in my honor ladies and gentlemen, for the world has shaped itself to fit my slovenly drunkeness. And also, kill any snakes you might run across. St. Patrick will thank you (likely by pissing on you from heaven). What a card.

Curses or Drat! These flipping iceholes are full of spit!

Why do we use euphemisms for "curse" words? We all know what we actually mean. We're all adults here ladies and gentlemen. It's fucking stupid. They're just words, and we use variations to specifically not use them. They overdub movies with them all the time. To what purpose? So kids can't hear them? Should I "think about the children"? Well, you know what? I am. Let's be honest. Can you think of anything funnier than a six year old saying, "I want a fucking cookie." in his adorable wittle voice? No you can't. You're depriving the world of endless humor with your linguistic prudishness.

You're also fucking up perfectly good movies on commercial television. The most egregious example of this is Die Hard 2. This was a fairly shitty movie, almost a rehash of the original. Switch tall building with sprawling airport and German for American terrorists and you pretty much have the same movie. It's even worse when you take out the cursing. I want to hear John McClane say fuck a lot. In fact, he could put a "fuck" or "shit" in every sentence and I'd be the happiest mother fucker on the planet. I think we can all agree that the first Die Hard is in the top five best action movies of all time. It was chocked full of fairly clever riffs by John McClane, but its most notable line was "Yippee-ki-ay mother fucker." So they of course brought that line back in the sequel. It's apropos of nothing, but there it is, at the end of the movie when John lights some gasoline leaking from a plane in order to blow it up. I don't know if that's physically possible, but it was pretty fucking cool. And I have to say that when I saw Die Hard 2 in the theatre it gave me a little thrill when it was uttered in this otherwise crappy movie. Fast forward to the year 1999. I found myself watching Die Hard 2 on commercial television some lazy Sunday. There's a lot of cursing in the movie, all of which was overdubbed. It was all pretty unintentionally funny, but then the climactic moment came. Bruce Willis flipped open his zippo as he lay in the snow and said, "Yippee-ki-ay Mr. Falcon." Huh? Mr. Falcon? That's the overdub? You may be thinking that the bad guy's last name was Falcon. You'd be wrong. There were no falcons in the movie, not even swooping in to peck at John's eyes before he could trap them in a room to blow them up with some C4(which would have been sweet). Mr. Show did a sketch about overdubs in which they replaced "mother fucker" with "mother father", but that would have been a marked improvement over "Mr. Falcon."

In closing, fuck, shit, piss, asshole, cum, blowjob, cunt, pussy, God damn it, just say them.

Charming as a Date Rapist

I Like Queen

One thing I'm sorry I missed by not growing up in the '70s is seeing Queen perform live. Youtube is handy for shit like that.