The Thoughts of Biggus Rickus

Meghan & Me Talk Racial Backgrounds

2008-09-30T09:11:00.001-04:00

me: So once this blog takes off and we're richer than God, I think I'm going to buy a horse.

meghan: Sweet... Spoone will want to ride it...

me: For a small fee that can be arranged.

meghan: OK, cool.
Just making sure. I mean, I don;t want to buy him his own.

me: You shouldn't have to share your money. You can be as Scottish as you wanna be.

meghan: ?
><
that's my brow furrowing...

me: Scottish people are stereotyped as being cheap.

meghan: Really??

me: Yes.

meghan: I'd never heard that one...

me: Now you know.
I come from a line of cheap bastards, though I myself am not.

meghan: I did not know you were Scottish.
I'm not sure we can remain friends.

me: Get off your high horse English.

meghan: Jeez, I was just kidding...

me: You oppress my people for centuries and expect me to laugh at your jokes?

meghan: I'm not even English!

me: Whatevs.
Actually, what is your lineage?

meghan: Dad side is Dutch/French, Mom's is German, maybe a little English.

me: Wow, the Dutch and French were assholes back in the colonial days. And well, we know all about the Germans.
Maybe we shouldn't be friends. How far can I really trust a Dutch/French/German harlot?

meghan: Outrage!!!

me: Righteous fury!!!

meghan: Even More!!!!

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 1(s)

2007-08-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

My number one bears a striking resemblance to Jolemite's, though I did manage to limit it to two rather than five (or three) as I'd have liked. It's The Beatles. What more is there to say?

Charmingly horrible animation for Good Day Sunshine:

Fan Video for Here Comes the Sun:

Something:

The Sunshine Empire closes out with absolute Garbage and Jolemite as shown above displays exquisitely good taste.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 2

2007-08-23T10:06:00.000-04:00

There's only one minor hit on this groundbreaking Queen album, but it set the stage for what they'd become. It has the best collection of songs from top to bottom of any of their albums as well. Here are a few:

Ogre Battle

Father to Son

White Queen

The Sunshine Empire picks a good 'un.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 3

2007-08-23T09:59:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time they were my favorite band, and this is their best album. It holds up over time. Remedy:

Jolemite makes a divine choice and The Sunshine Empire wants to mess with your head.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 5

2007-08-17T22:20:00.000-04:00

Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. That taste ranks this incredible grouping of raw blues songs in my top five. My taste, in other words, is damn near impeccable. Here's a little love for the dark side:

The Sunshine Empire let's Jimi take over and Jolemite has an album not to cry over.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 4

2007-08-21T08:22:00.000-04:00

I had to include an Elliott album in here, and Jolemite is right about it being a tie, roughly, between several. So I'll go with XO. It was his first big label number and the sound is generally cleaner. The production is more involved as well. All that aside it is still largely a collection of jaundiced and melodic folk/pop songs. So here's XO:

The Sunshine Empire loooooves the French. Jolemite's is linked above, but here it is again.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 6

2007-08-16T20:48:00.000-04:00

The Cheat is overwhelmed by the size of this pic

The Ben Folds Five, Ben Folds on his own, it's all good. But I had to narrow it down to one album, and Whatever and Ever Amen captures both the energy of the self-titled album and the instrospection of later releases. Also, it has the only massively popular pop song about a trip to the abortionist, which while kind of ooky is also kind of awesome. Best of all it has what could be considered my theme song:

Jolemite's 6er and The Sunshine Empire's science is too tight.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 8

2007-08-14T20:49:00.000-04:00

Coming in at number eight we have an album that actually came out during my childhood. I remember the cool kids liking this in 5th grade. I didn't really. Then Use Your Illusions came out in junior high and I discovered this one. It holds up with its darker version of the LA scene that all of the hair bands celebrated. Slash kicked ass, Axl wasn't so pretentious yet and the whole album just rocks from start to finish. For example:

The Sunshine Empire chooses wisely and Jolemite's #8 is for The Byrds (That's gold!)

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 10

2007-08-12T19:51:00.000-04:00

The staff at the Sunshine Empire blog, Jolemite and I agreed to count down our top ten albums. My first dates back to the late, great 1972, three years prior to my birth. Actually, many of those in the countdown will predate me. I chose this one because it's everything great about glam Bowie: the out front piano, the heavy guitar, the otherworldly lyrics, the androginy. I'm not going to break it down song by song, suffice to say they're all between good and great. Here's kinda the title track live and everything:

Jolemite kicks it off by working out The Kinks and The Sunshine Empire just threw a bunch of words together.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 9, Number 9

2007-08-13T21:55:00.000-04:00

In your face sanity!

Up next we have Elton John's first breakthrough album. Everyone knows "Tiny Dancer", the opener. "Levon" follows it nicely. There are a few listenable, but not great tracks before you get into "Holiday Inn" and "Rotten Peaches" and it closes pretty well. If you're going to own an Elton John album I recommend this one. I also recommend you own several others. I leave you with Rotten Peaches, courtesy of the beeb.

The Sunshine Empire goes royal with their #9 choice and Jolemite tries to have his cake and eat it too because he is a greedy fucker.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 7

2007-08-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

Clocking in at a little over thirty minutes this seven song album or EP or whatever you want to call it is pretty much perfect. It's more mellow than your standard Alice in Chains offering, and perhaps that's why I like it so much. From the haunting "Rotten Apple" to the novelty of "Swing on This" it's just damn good. And here's a creepy claymation video:

Jolemite gives you the Badfinger at 7 while The Sunshine Empire talks about their true love.

Mike Gravel Rocks the Vote

2007-06-20T11:04:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to like this youtube campaign ad thing.

W.A.S.P.

2007-05-07T20:36:00.000-04:00

Here's what you've all been clamoring for:

What? You didn't want a song about rape by an eighties metal band? REALLY? Fuck. My bad.

Ignorance Is Bliss

2007-04-05T17:59:00.000-04:00

The Ideal Pancreas

2007-03-29T21:16:00.000-04:00

Fuck Yeah, I'm Divergent!

2007-03-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

Have You Ever Heard of the Food Chain?

2007-03-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

Snakes in a Country

2007-03-16T21:39:00.000-04:00

"I'm tired of these motha' fuckin' snakes in this motha' fuckin' country!" - St. Patrick, 403 AD

Ah, to be the patron saint of the drunkest country on the planet. A survey proved this. It's not just conjecture. I, alas, am not a Catholic, nor a Christian, nor a "believer in God" for that matter. There will be no sainthood for me. Still, I celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Why? Mainly, it's the booze. Sure, hanging out with friends is cool, but they pale in comparison to Mr. Guiness and his associates T. Dew and Doc Jameson. Those fuckers know what's up.

I don't mean to belittle the roots of this most drunken of holidays, but really, to believe that a man's words drove snakes out of Ireland is fucking amazing to me. Unless it was one word, and that word was "mongoose." Snakes hate fucking mongeese. Other things snakes hate fucking: garden hoses, sticks and bullwhips. I know the old testament is down on snakes, but I bet after St. Patrick did his deed there were a ton of bugs in Ireland, annoying the fuck out of people. I think St. Patty didn't get ecology. But hey, nobody's perfect, not even a saint.

So, tomorrow marks the day of the man's death. It's like a massive wake really. In honor of that, me and my good friend at the Sunshine Empire will be drinking Sparks and Guiness. Why Sparks you ask? Because if it existed during St. Patrick's time on this ball of dirt he'd have drank the shit out of it. St. Patty was cool in that respect. Oddly, if God had provided Sparks to the Irish instead of whiskey, they'd have taken over the earth. History is full of oddities like that. One change here or one change there and we'd all be speaking Russian. Fortunately this is the best of all possible worlds and English is the dominant language. Man did I luck out. So drink in my honor ladies and gentlemen, for the world has shaped itself to fit my slovenly drunkeness. And also, kill any snakes you might run across. St. Patrick will thank you (likely by pissing on you from heaven). What a card.

Curses or Drat! These flipping iceholes are full of spit!

2007-03-13T08:26:00.000-04:00

Why do we use euphemisms for "curse" words? We all know what we actually mean. We're all adults here ladies and gentlemen. It's fucking stupid. They're just words, and we use variations to specifically not use them. They overdub movies with them all the time. To what purpose? So kids can't hear them? Should I "think about the children"? Well, you know what? I am. Let's be honest. Can you think of anything funnier than a six year old saying, "I want a fucking cookie." in his adorable wittle voice? No you can't. You're depriving the world of endless humor with your linguistic prudishness.

You're also fucking up perfectly good movies on commercial television. The most egregious example of this is Die Hard 2. This was a fairly shitty movie, almost a rehash of the original. Switch tall building with sprawling airport and German for American terrorists and you pretty much have the same movie. It's even worse when you take out the cursing. I want to hear John McClane say fuck a lot. In fact, he could put a "fuck" or "shit" in every sentence and I'd be the happiest mother fucker on the planet. I think we can all agree that the first Die Hard is in the top five best action movies of all time. It was chocked full of fairly clever riffs by John McClane, but its most notable line was "Yippee-ki-ay mother fucker." So they of course brought that line back in the sequel. It's apropos of nothing, but there it is, at the end of the movie when John lights some gasoline leaking from a plane in order to blow it up. I don't know if that's physically possible, but it was pretty fucking cool. And I have to say that when I saw Die Hard 2 in the theatre it gave me a little thrill when it was uttered in this otherwise crappy movie. Fast forward to the year 1999. I found myself watching Die Hard 2 on commercial television some lazy Sunday. There's a lot of cursing in the movie, all of which was overdubbed. It was all pretty unintentionally funny, but then the climactic moment came. Bruce Willis flipped open his zippo as he lay in the snow and said, "Yippee-ki-ay Mr. Falcon." Huh? Mr. Falcon? That's the overdub? You may be thinking that the bad guy's last name was Falcon. You'd be wrong. There were no falcons in the movie, not even swooping in to peck at John's eyes before he could trap them in a room to blow them up with some C4(which would have been sweet). Mr. Show did a sketch about overdubs in which they replaced "mother fucker" with "mother father", but that would have been a marked improvement over "Mr. Falcon."

In closing, fuck, shit, piss, asshole, cum, blowjob, cunt, pussy, God damn it, just say them.

Charming as a Date Rapist

2007-03-08T21:38:00.000-05:00

I Like Queen

2007-03-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

One thing I'm sorry I missed by not growing up in the '70s is seeing Queen perform live. Youtube is handy for shit like that.

Star Crash

2007-02-28T11:47:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered what Star Wars would be like if it really sucked and involved David Hasselhoff? Neither have I, but there's an answer to that question. If they only knew what they had in The Hoff they would surely have featured him more prominently in this trailer.

Joe and I Shouldn't Be Allowed to Look at Things

2007-02-27T10:12:00.000-05:00

Joe: ha ha stupid ad
still waiting for h* "new toon soon" my black ass

me: So does this mean that the model won the international pussy stretchoff in '06?

Joe: she did indeed

me: That's talent.

Joe: quadruple fisting? easy.

me: But there's always another girl who'll come along and engulf the hood of a cadillac and she'll be yesterday's vaginal news.
It's an engorging sport.

Joe: I would think there'd be more large sista girls involved
seems like more room

me: You'd think. Isn't that ultimately why dudes like skinny girls, the tight fit?
It's why I like Asians. That and the fact that if they're fresh off the boat I appear to be hung like a fucking donkey.

Joe: well, the tight fit rules out all the good stuff
And they're hot

me: They also age well.
Good genetics.

Joe: and their light weight combined with sake! Well...

me: Ease of inebriation is an undervalued racial trait.

Joe: Those Native American ladies know how to party

Joe: Firewater I bring.

me: They love that shit too. It's like an aphrodisiac/moral kryptonite combo.

Joe: Ooooh, moral kryptonite, I super-love that.

Matthew and Me on Dicks

2007-02-14T14:29:00.000-05:00

Matthew: my boss is a cocksucker

me: Making you stay late?

Matthew: called me a liar and said I looked on the internet for all the trivia questions that he sent out.

me: I haven't met this person have I?

Matthew: Called me a liar in an email to the entire customer service group. No you have not met him

me: You should send him back a message calling him a nincompoop who didn't know the answer to his own fucking trivia question.

Matthew: called Sputnik 1 wrong, said the answer was Sputnik. I sent him the wikipedia entry and he called me a liar

me: Or you can just quote me.

Matthew: I wrote him back saying, "I'm sorry, you must have been the one who taught history"
I think he was just embarrassed that I got 12 out of 14 of his questions

me: People are really small sometimes. I don't get that.

Matthew: He drives a corvette which he always parks straddling two parking spaces outside

me: So he's like an uberdick. He sounds like the dick boyfriend the protaginist has to overcome in a romantic comedy.

Matthew: well put

Matthew: I have sent roughly 100 emails since 11am EST

me: I have sent far fewer.

Matthew: I'm writing to a customer who's business is called "Facial Bliss"

me: Please tell me it has something to do with cum and eyeballs.

My First and Possibly Only Super Bowl Blog

2007-02-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

I did something unusual for the Super Bowl this year. I watched the whole thing...at least to the point when Rexie plunged a dagger into his team's collective heart. There have been a lot of QBs play in the Super Bowl, but Grossman is the worst I've ever seen. I think I can back that opinion up with a string of five plays on consecutive possessions by the Bears. The first of these heroic feats of ineptitude came just before halftime. The Bears had been getting their asses kicked for about a quarter but only found themselves down by two. Indianapolis had just fumbled the ball to them during a drive when Rexie worked his magic, a fumbled snap on first down that was entirely his fault. It was recovered by Indy and it looked like they would seize full control of the game, but the Bears' defense held (as they inexplicably did for most of the evening when the Colts threatened) and Vinatieri had a nearly unheard of miss. The second half started with the Colts running off half the clock during a field goal drive. Finally, Rexie would have a chance to implement the adjustments the Bears made at the half. He started with a twelve yard dump to a running back. That was followed by a nine yard run. Suddenly the Bears were at midfield and looking like they may have figured something out. What they should have figured out long ago is that Rex Grossman is not an NFL QB. On second and one Rexie dropped back, was pressured and slipped down for an 11 yard loss. That happens. The field was wet. Rexie then proceeded to fumble his second snap out of five. He managed to pick this one up and fall down for a 10 yard loss. The Bears punted. I could have picked some ill-advised deep throws and two yard dumps when he had time to look downfield, but fumbling snaps should almost never happen when you're a pro QB. Two in back-to-back possessions is fucking inexcusable. The most amazing thing about this Super Bowl is that it wasn't 45-10.

Now let's talk commercials. I don't generally get into the commercial hype surrounding the Super Bowl. They're fucking commercials. They suck almost universally, and the Super Bowl just gives us more and longer commercials. However, since I watched the bulk of the game I saw some commercials and one of them disturbed me immensely. Those of you who saw them are probably thinking, "It was the two dudes kissing over a Snickers I bet." You'd be wrong. Others of you may think it was watching a man in a heart suit get the shit beat out of him by Batmannish (think '60s camp Batman) henchmen labeled "diabetes" and "obesity". Maybe you think watching a city's worth of men stripping off clothes and grinding on a car was as bad as it could get. While all three of those were disturbing in their own ways, I'm talking about something that would make a pederast necrophiliac cringe. It begins with Tim Allen and ends with William H. Macy. It is a movie with a notable cast that looks so bad I wouldn't accept money from others to see it, let alone actually give my own to someone else for the privelege. It is called "Wild Hogs" and it is apparently about middle-aged men and motorcycles. But that really doesn't sound like the worst movie with major stars you've ever heard of. Trust me, it is. I'll be including the trailer at the end if I can find it. Here's the cast (thank you IMDB): Tim Allen, John Travolta, John C. McGinley, Ray Liotta, Kevin Durand, Martin Lawrence, Marisa Tomei and William H. Macy. Now I realize that not all of those people are good actors. I think Tim Allen and William H. Macy go together like spam and everything else on the planet, but you should be able to make a movie with that cast appear viewable in a trailer. The trailer is supposed to be the best stuff, and if that's true in this case it will be a shitty movie indeed. Pay special attention for the cartoon sound effect when Travolta kicks some leaves. Maybe it's in the movie and maybe it's not. How much is it worth to you to find out?