The Thoughts of Biggus Rickus

Meghan & Me Talk Racial Backgrounds

2008-09-30T09:11:00.001-04:00

me: So once this blog takes off and we're richer than God, I think I'm going to buy a horse.

meghan: Sweet... Spoone will want to ride it...

me: For a small fee that can be arranged.

meghan: OK, cool.
Just making sure. I mean, I don;t want to buy him his own.

me: You shouldn't have to share your money. You can be as Scottish as you wanna be.

meghan: ?
><
that's my brow furrowing...

me: Scottish people are stereotyped as being cheap.

meghan: Really??

me: Yes.

meghan: I'd never heard that one...

me: Now you know.
I come from a line of cheap bastards, though I myself am not.

meghan: I did not know you were Scottish.
I'm not sure we can remain friends.

me: Get off your high horse English.

meghan: Jeez, I was just kidding...

me: You oppress my people for centuries and expect me to laugh at your jokes?

meghan: I'm not even English!

me: Whatevs.
Actually, what is your lineage?

meghan: Dad side is Dutch/French, Mom's is German, maybe a little English.

me: Wow, the Dutch and French were assholes back in the colonial days. And well, we know all about the Germans.
Maybe we shouldn't be friends. How far can I really trust a Dutch/French/German harlot?

meghan: Outrage!!!

me: Righteous fury!!!

meghan: Even More!!!!

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 1(s)

2007-08-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

My number one bears a striking resemblance to Jolemite's, though I did manage to limit it to two rather than five (or three) as I'd have liked. It's The Beatles. What more is there to say?

Charmingly horrible animation for Good Day Sunshine:

Fan Video for Here Comes the Sun:

Something:

The Sunshine Empire closes out with absolute Garbage and Jolemite as shown above displays exquisitely good taste.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 2

2007-08-23T10:06:00.000-04:00

There's only one minor hit on this groundbreaking Queen album, but it set the stage for what they'd become. It has the best collection of songs from top to bottom of any of their albums as well. Here are a few:

Ogre Battle

Father to Son

White Queen

The Sunshine Empire picks a good 'un.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 3

2007-08-23T09:59:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time they were my favorite band, and this is their best album. It holds up over time. Remedy:

Jolemite makes a divine choice and The Sunshine Empire wants to mess with your head.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 4

2007-08-21T08:22:00.000-04:00

I had to include an Elliott album in here, and Jolemite is right about it being a tie, roughly, between several. So I'll go with XO. It was his first big label number and the sound is generally cleaner. The production is more involved as well. All that aside it is still largely a collection of jaundiced and melodic folk/pop songs. So here's XO:

The Sunshine Empire loooooves the French. Jolemite's is linked above, but here it is again.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 5

2007-08-17T22:20:00.000-04:00

Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. That taste ranks this incredible grouping of raw blues songs in my top five. My taste, in other words, is damn near impeccable. Here's a little love for the dark side:

The Sunshine Empire let's Jimi take over and Jolemite has an album not to cry over.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 6

2007-08-16T20:48:00.000-04:00

The Cheat is overwhelmed by the size of this pic

The Ben Folds Five, Ben Folds on his own, it's all good. But I had to narrow it down to one album, and Whatever and Ever Amen captures both the energy of the self-titled album and the instrospection of later releases. Also, it has the only massively popular pop song about a trip to the abortionist, which while kind of ooky is also kind of awesome. Best of all it has what could be considered my theme song:

Jolemite's 6er and The Sunshine Empire's science is too tight.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 7

2007-08-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

Clocking in at a little over thirty minutes this seven song album or EP or whatever you want to call it is pretty much perfect. It's more mellow than your standard Alice in Chains offering, and perhaps that's why I like it so much. From the haunting "Rotten Apple" to the novelty of "Swing on This" it's just damn good. And here's a creepy claymation video:

Jolemite gives you the Badfinger at 7 while The Sunshine Empire talks about their true love.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 8

2007-08-14T20:49:00.000-04:00

Coming in at number eight we have an album that actually came out during my childhood. I remember the cool kids liking this in 5th grade. I didn't really. Then Use Your Illusions came out in junior high and I discovered this one. It holds up with its darker version of the LA scene that all of the hair bands celebrated. Slash kicked ass, Axl wasn't so pretentious yet and the whole album just rocks from start to finish. For example:

The Sunshine Empire chooses wisely and Jolemite's #8 is for The Byrds (That's gold!)

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 9, Number 9

2007-08-13T21:55:00.000-04:00

In your face sanity!

Up next we have Elton John's first breakthrough album. Everyone knows "Tiny Dancer", the opener. "Levon" follows it nicely. There are a few listenable, but not great tracks before you get into "Holiday Inn" and "Rotten Peaches" and it closes pretty well. If you're going to own an Elton John album I recommend this one. I also recommend you own several others. I leave you with Rotten Peaches, courtesy of the beeb.

The Sunshine Empire goes royal with their #9 choice and Jolemite tries to have his cake and eat it too because he is a greedy fucker.

Top 10 Album Countdown - Number 10

2007-08-12T19:51:00.000-04:00

The staff at the Sunshine Empire blog, Jolemite and I agreed to count down our top ten albums. My first dates back to the late, great 1972, three years prior to my birth. Actually, many of those in the countdown will predate me. I chose this one because it's everything great about glam Bowie: the out front piano, the heavy guitar, the otherworldly lyrics, the androginy. I'm not going to break it down song by song, suffice to say they're all between good and great. Here's kinda the title track live and everything:

Jolemite kicks it off by working out The Kinks and The Sunshine Empire just threw a bunch of words together.

Mike Gravel Rocks the Vote

2007-06-20T11:04:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to like this youtube campaign ad thing.

W.A.S.P.

2007-05-07T20:36:00.000-04:00

Here's what you've all been clamoring for:

What? You didn't want a song about rape by an eighties metal band? REALLY? Fuck. My bad.

Ignorance Is Bliss

2007-04-05T17:59:00.000-04:00

The Ideal Pancreas

2007-03-29T21:16:00.000-04:00

Fuck Yeah, I'm Divergent!

2007-03-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

Have You Ever Heard of the Food Chain?

2007-03-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

Snakes in a Country

2007-03-16T21:39:00.000-04:00

"I'm tired of these motha' fuckin' snakes in this motha' fuckin' country!" - St. Patrick, 403 AD

Ah, to be the patron saint of the drunkest country on the planet. A survey proved this. It's not just conjecture. I, alas, am not a Catholic, nor a Christian, nor a "believer in God" for that matter. There will be no sainthood for me. Still, I celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Why? Mainly, it's the booze. Sure, hanging out with friends is cool, but they pale in comparison to Mr. Guiness and his associates T. Dew and Doc Jameson. Those fuckers know what's up.

I don't mean to belittle the roots of this most drunken of holidays, but really, to believe that a man's words drove snakes out of Ireland is fucking amazing to me. Unless it was one word, and that word was "mongoose." Snakes hate fucking mongeese. Other things snakes hate fucking: garden hoses, sticks and bullwhips. I know the old testament is down on snakes, but I bet after St. Patrick did his deed there were a ton of bugs in Ireland, annoying the fuck out of people. I think St. Patty didn't get ecology. But hey, nobody's perfect, not even a saint.

So, tomorrow marks the day of the man's death. It's like a massive wake really. In honor of that, me and my good friend at the Sunshine Empire will be drinking Sparks and Guiness. Why Sparks you ask? Because if it existed during St. Patrick's time on this ball of dirt he'd have drank the shit out of it. St. Patty was cool in that respect. Oddly, if God had provided Sparks to the Irish instead of whiskey, they'd have taken over the earth. History is full of oddities like that. One change here or one change there and we'd all be speaking Russian. Fortunately this is the best of all possible worlds and English is the dominant language. Man did I luck out. So drink in my honor ladies and gentlemen, for the world has shaped itself to fit my slovenly drunkeness. And also, kill any snakes you might run across. St. Patrick will thank you (likely by pissing on you from heaven). What a card.

Curses or Drat! These flipping iceholes are full of spit!

2007-03-13T08:26:00.000-04:00

Why do we use euphemisms for "curse" words? We all know what we actually mean. We're all adults here ladies and gentlemen. It's fucking stupid. They're just words, and we use variations to specifically not use them. They overdub movies with them all the time. To what purpose? So kids can't hear them? Should I "think about the children"? Well, you know what? I am. Let's be honest. Can you think of anything funnier than a six year old saying, "I want a fucking cookie." in his adorable wittle voice? No you can't. You're depriving the world of endless humor with your linguistic prudishness.

You're also fucking up perfectly good movies on commercial television. The most egregious example of this is Die Hard 2. This was a fairly shitty movie, almost a rehash of the original. Switch tall building with sprawling airport and German for American terrorists and you pretty much have the same movie. It's even worse when you take out the cursing. I want to hear John McClane say fuck a lot. In fact, he could put a "fuck" or "shit" in every sentence and I'd be the happiest mother fucker on the planet. I think we can all agree that the first Die Hard is in the top five best action movies of all time. It was chocked full of fairly clever riffs by John McClane, but its most notable line was "Yippee-ki-ay mother fucker." So they of course brought that line back in the sequel. It's apropos of nothing, but there it is, at the end of the movie when John lights some gasoline leaking from a plane in order to blow it up. I don't know if that's physically possible, but it was pretty fucking cool. And I have to say that when I saw Die Hard 2 in the theatre it gave me a little thrill when it was uttered in this otherwise crappy movie. Fast forward to the year 1999. I found myself watching Die Hard 2 on commercial television some lazy Sunday. There's a lot of cursing in the movie, all of which was overdubbed. It was all pretty unintentionally funny, but then the climactic moment came. Bruce Willis flipped open his zippo as he lay in the snow and said, "Yippee-ki-ay Mr. Falcon." Huh? Mr. Falcon? That's the overdub? You may be thinking that the bad guy's last name was Falcon. You'd be wrong. There were no falcons in the movie, not even swooping in to peck at John's eyes before he could trap them in a room to blow them up with some C4(which would have been sweet). Mr. Show did a sketch about overdubs in which they replaced "mother fucker" with "mother father", but that would have been a marked improvement over "Mr. Falcon."

In closing, fuck, shit, piss, asshole, cum, blowjob, cunt, pussy, God damn it, just say them.

Charming as a Date Rapist

2007-03-08T21:38:00.000-05:00

I Like Queen

2007-03-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

One thing I'm sorry I missed by not growing up in the '70s is seeing Queen perform live. Youtube is handy for shit like that.

Star Crash

2007-02-28T11:47:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered what Star Wars would be like if it really sucked and involved David Hasselhoff? Neither have I, but there's an answer to that question. If they only knew what they had in The Hoff they would surely have featured him more prominently in this trailer.

Joe and I Shouldn't Be Allowed to Look at Things

2007-02-27T10:12:00.000-05:00

Joe: ha ha stupid ad
still waiting for h* "new toon soon" my black ass

me: So does this mean that the model won the international pussy stretchoff in '06?

Joe: she did indeed

me: That's talent.

Joe: quadruple fisting? easy.

me: But there's always another girl who'll come along and engulf the hood of a cadillac and she'll be yesterday's vaginal news.
It's an engorging sport.

Joe: I would think there'd be more large sista girls involved
seems like more room

me: You'd think. Isn't that ultimately why dudes like skinny girls, the tight fit?
It's why I like Asians. That and the fact that if they're fresh off the boat I appear to be hung like a fucking donkey.

Joe: well, the tight fit rules out all the good stuff
And they're hot

me: They also age well.
Good genetics.

Joe: and their light weight combined with sake! Well...

me: Ease of inebriation is an undervalued racial trait.

Joe: Those Native American ladies know how to party

Joe: Firewater I bring.

me: They love that shit too. It's like an aphrodisiac/moral kryptonite combo.

Joe: Ooooh, moral kryptonite, I super-love that.

Matthew and Me on Dicks

2007-02-14T14:29:00.000-05:00

Matthew: my boss is a cocksucker

me: Making you stay late?

Matthew: called me a liar and said I looked on the internet for all the trivia questions that he sent out.

me: I haven't met this person have I?

Matthew: Called me a liar in an email to the entire customer service group. No you have not met him

me: You should send him back a message calling him a nincompoop who didn't know the answer to his own fucking trivia question.

Matthew: called Sputnik 1 wrong, said the answer was Sputnik. I sent him the wikipedia entry and he called me a liar

me: Or you can just quote me.

Matthew: I wrote him back saying, "I'm sorry, you must have been the one who taught history"
I think he was just embarrassed that I got 12 out of 14 of his questions

me: People are really small sometimes. I don't get that.

Matthew: He drives a corvette which he always parks straddling two parking spaces outside

me: So he's like an uberdick. He sounds like the dick boyfriend the protaginist has to overcome in a romantic comedy.

Matthew: well put

Matthew: I have sent roughly 100 emails since 11am EST

me: I have sent far fewer.

Matthew: I'm writing to a customer who's business is called "Facial Bliss"

me: Please tell me it has something to do with cum and eyeballs.

My First and Possibly Only Super Bowl Blog

2007-02-05T08:23:00.000-05:00

I did something unusual for the Super Bowl this year. I watched the whole thing...at least to the point when Rexie plunged a dagger into his team's collective heart. There have been a lot of QBs play in the Super Bowl, but Grossman is the worst I've ever seen. I think I can back that opinion up with a string of five plays on consecutive possessions by the Bears. The first of these heroic feats of ineptitude came just before halftime. The Bears had been getting their asses kicked for about a quarter but only found themselves down by two. Indianapolis had just fumbled the ball to them during a drive when Rexie worked his magic, a fumbled snap on first down that was entirely his fault. It was recovered by Indy and it looked like they would seize full control of the game, but the Bears' defense held (as they inexplicably did for most of the evening when the Colts threatened) and Vinatieri had a nearly unheard of miss. The second half started with the Colts running off half the clock during a field goal drive. Finally, Rexie would have a chance to implement the adjustments the Bears made at the half. He started with a twelve yard dump to a running back. That was followed by a nine yard run. Suddenly the Bears were at midfield and looking like they may have figured something out. What they should have figured out long ago is that Rex Grossman is not an NFL QB. On second and one Rexie dropped back, was pressured and slipped down for an 11 yard loss. That happens. The field was wet. Rexie then proceeded to fumble his second snap out of five. He managed to pick this one up and fall down for a 10 yard loss. The Bears punted. I could have picked some ill-advised deep throws and two yard dumps when he had time to look downfield, but fumbling snaps should almost never happen when you're a pro QB. Two in back-to-back possessions is fucking inexcusable. The most amazing thing about this Super Bowl is that it wasn't 45-10.

Now let's talk commercials. I don't generally get into the commercial hype surrounding the Super Bowl. They're fucking commercials. They suck almost universally, and the Super Bowl just gives us more and longer commercials. However, since I watched the bulk of the game I saw some commercials and one of them disturbed me immensely. Those of you who saw them are probably thinking, "It was the two dudes kissing over a Snickers I bet." You'd be wrong. Others of you may think it was watching a man in a heart suit get the shit beat out of him by Batmannish (think '60s camp Batman) henchmen labeled "diabetes" and "obesity". Maybe you think watching a city's worth of men stripping off clothes and grinding on a car was as bad as it could get. While all three of those were disturbing in their own ways, I'm talking about something that would make a pederast necrophiliac cringe. It begins with Tim Allen and ends with William H. Macy. It is a movie with a notable cast that looks so bad I wouldn't accept money from others to see it, let alone actually give my own to someone else for the privelege. It is called "Wild Hogs" and it is apparently about middle-aged men and motorcycles. But that really doesn't sound like the worst movie with major stars you've ever heard of. Trust me, it is. I'll be including the trailer at the end if I can find it. Here's the cast (thank you IMDB): Tim Allen, John Travolta, John C. McGinley, Ray Liotta, Kevin Durand, Martin Lawrence, Marisa Tomei and William H. Macy. Now I realize that not all of those people are good actors. I think Tim Allen and William H. Macy go together like spam and everything else on the planet, but you should be able to make a movie with that cast appear viewable in a trailer. The trailer is supposed to be the best stuff, and if that's true in this case it will be a shitty movie indeed. Pay special attention for the cartoon sound effect when Travolta kicks some leaves. Maybe it's in the movie and maybe it's not. How much is it worth to you to find out?

Insanity with Matthew and Me

2007-01-31T12:05:00.000-05:00

Matthew: do you send emails to yourself?

me: Um, no.
Well, if I find a link to something at work that I want to check out at home I will do it on occasion.

Matthew: that's what I'm refering to.

me: Well, I thought perhaps you were talking about actually sending e-mails like:

"Hey Rickus,

I totally got into schizophrenia this year. You have no idea what I'm doing in your name. Well, my name, but your face. It's crazy. Whatever you do, don't pry those boards up in the closet. Talk to you later.

Rich"

Matthew: I thought I sent you that?

me: Wait a second. Are you me? Is this like Fight Club?

Matthew: yes, you are
or I am

me: It can get confusing.

Matthew: I have beaten the shit out of myself though
Like that line from Dolemite, "I'm so bad, I kick my own ass every morning"

me: Does extreme masturbation count?

Matthew: sure

Matthew and Me Actually Take Something Seriously

2007-01-29T08:25:00.000-05:00

Matthew: I'm in a love affair with Chuck Hagel. He is my favorite candidate reguarless of party. You should watch the clips I have on TSE

me: I did.

Matthew: Even Bubba The Love Spounge said he has his vote right now
and I listen to everything Bubba tells me
It's really fucking sad I listen to that shit

me: It seems to me to be little more than grandstanding over a pretty meaningless resolution. I mean, really, what does the Senate saying, "We disagree." do to change anything?

Matthew: I posted the video more so for his admonition that no one should impune the motives of another as aiding the terrorists
to say that if we show disagreement we aid our enemies, but then say they hate our freedoms

me: I don't think anyone says that is the motive.

Matthew: fuck the resolution, you are right it is meaningless
but to say you can't change his course so why bother voicing an opinion is wrong
Believe me the Republican crowd did nothing but state that we where heading for Vietnam with Clinton's Kosovo incursion
no matter how meaningless it was

me: There is a legitimate concern that a lack of unified will emboldens an enemy that preys on symbolic victories.

Matthew: But Bush is fighting a war against a tactic

me: I don't think there was the same degree of unity on Kosovo among Republicans as there is among Democrats on Iraq.
You know that's not the case.
Bush is fighting a war on Islamic extremism and Islamic indifference.
But that doesn't sound nice on the international stage.

Matthew: if its not Al queda its Hezbollah, if not them then the Black hand of pre ww I
terroism will exist forever, it will never be defeated. Al Qeauda as we knew it is gone, it's replace by more who share an ax to grind because of their miserable conditions. But that was not the argument. To say you aid the enemy by decenting with strategy means there is no use for the bill of rights becaus they only aid and abet the enemy

me: Nonsense. Inasmuch as what I said holds it is a matter of discretion.

Matthew: I'm all for killing Osama bin Ladin but to say we need marshal law to do it is ludicrus

me: When was martial law brought up?

Matthew: Nonsense, ludicrus
I cant spell
I'm being histrionic

But go back to the original question, how can they hate our freedoms, but be strengthend by them at the same time
to defeat them we just need to shut up and let Bush do whatever he feels is right?

me: Huh? They are strengthened by an apparent lack of resolve. Freedom has nothing to do with it. If we were a dictatorship with a waffliing tyrant it would be no different.
Instead we are a Republic with a waffling populace and a Congress that takes its cues from that populace.

Matthew: so we are losing the war because of us. We just don't want it hard enough?

me: In a sense, yes.

Matthew: strategy has no bearing
we were told it would cost nothing and be over in a second, and we don't have the right to be a little upset when it turns out different?

me: Yes, but the strategy is limited by our own morals. We view World War II as a grand victory. Well, we had to do some vicious shit to scare the enemy. The south didn't bow until Sherman started cutting a swath to the sea.

War is hell. Bush is at fault as the leader to an extent, but it is our own weak-kneed, hemming and hawing culture that creates the problem. Either we want to police the world or we don't. We prefer to take half measures.

Matthew: I can't disagree much with that
I did not mean to get into it like that, but that was good

me: For the record, I don't want to police the world. I think it is bad for our national morality.

My Favorite Weatherman

2007-01-18T06:53:00.000-05:00

Joe and I Tackle Race Relations and the Color of Love

2007-01-16T16:16:00.000-05:00

me: I just heard a white guy talking about how hilarious an old episode of Chapelle was. Minoritisms strike again.
3:52 PM Specifically it was the Wayne Brady as thug bit.
3:54 PM Joe: o jeez
me: I guess I should have specified that he was talking to a black dude, and the black dude seemed to be hurrying out the do'.
3:56 PM Joe: oh yeah, I know your type of people and I am indeed down wit' them
3:57 PM me: You know Terrell, you and I should get up in the club and get crunk.
Joe: We can chase some booty.
3:59 PM me: Perhaps we might convince a couple of ladies to tap their asses.
Joe: I would like to hit that with my blurple head.
me: Aww, blurple.
4:00 PM That's the color of love.
Joe: the color of love is a curious thing.
make a one man weep, make a nother man sing
4:01 PM me: Change of heart to a little white dove. See that blurple, that's the color of love.
4:03 PM Might take money. Might take fame. Bitch won't take credit cards to link that train.
4:05 PM Joe: got a pocket full of rufies and an absence of consent
and I might just do some time
4:08 PM me: That's how it shoulda been.

DJ's Cont'd Finally

2007-01-05T09:38:00.000-05:00

I said I'd continue this little train of hatred, so I'm doing it. The nice thing is that it is really easy to find shitty DJ's, since they are all by definition shitty. Just type a name into the music section of myspace and some established or aspiring DJ probably has it. The dumber the better usually, but I'm starting off today with DJ Dan. I have to give him credit for using a real name instead of an element or emotion or something else stupid. What I can't abide is a liar. He makes the grandiose claim that he is the "#1 House DJ in the world...", but how does he reconcile that with this from his profile, "This past year DJ Dan was voted as the number 6 house DJ by the readers of BPM Magazine and the number 24 DJ in the world in the prestigious DJ Magazine poll?" Fuck you Dan. Fuck you with a rusty tire iron.

This will probably shock you, but there are five pages of DJ Heats on myspace, so how does one decide? Well, in keeping with my theme of grandiose claims, this guy wins out. He claims the "Best Music On the planet!" I would make a joke, but I think that speaks for itself. Also, he is apparently a tricked out car, or perhaps a transformer.

I want to make fun of DJ Pete, but he's just so damn friendly. I can't help but wonder to what magical place he will wisk me in his white love buggy. I like to think that unicorns will eat berries from our hands as a band of centaurs, pixies and angels serenade us with their sweet songs of love and hope and charity. Then we will drink sweet ambrosia served by honey bees as fireflies dance upon the crisp early evening air. Finally DJ Pete will make gentle love to me on the downy heather of the lush fields of our magical world. Ah, Pete, please be my Superman.

I'm a little emotional now. I'll have to come back to this later.

A Brief Moment with Matthew and Me

2007-01-03T15:27:00.000-05:00

11:12 AM me: Holy shit, I'm bored.
11:16 AM And this isn't my normal level of boredom. This is soul-sucking, suicide-inducing boredom. In fact, I've already attempted it three times this morning. But I'm pretty sure they were all just cries for help.
11:22 AM Matthew: I didn't try suicide, but I did cry for help four times
me: Well, we just cry for help differently.
You say words. I down sleeping pills.
11:23 AM Matthew: I feel the same way on the bordam front
11:24 AM me: Is Bordam somewhere in the Rhineland?
Matthew: it's a province of Alsaice Lorraine
me: Ah.
11:25 AM Matthew: you know I spell on the level of a fourth gradar
me: Yet you manage to use words in their proper context.
Matthew: spell check is my personal lord and savior
11:26 AM me: I've accepted Joe Piscopo as mine.
Matthew: He's fit

2007-01-03T11:56:00.000-05:00

Kenneth Hagin & Kenneth Copeland - Pentecostal Bedlam

I don't really know what to say about this. It's fucking weird. It's fucking scary. It's fucking Pentecostal. Which is redundant I suppose.

Matthew and Me on Rhinocerous Ass and Dogma

2006-12-29T11:31:00.000-05:00

3:58 PM me: I think we should test your rhinocerous theory out sometime. Where do you find rhinocerous ass?
3:59 PM Matthew: The Panera down the street serves it on a fantastic Foccacia bread with a shitake mushroom on top
4:00 PM me: Yes, but we're looking for rancid rhinocerous ass, not delectable rhinocerous ass.
4:01 PM Matthew: They actually offer rancid Rhinocerous salad. With feta crumbles
me: How is it?
Matthew: I always get the sandwich
4:02 PM me: You never try anything new.
Matthew: I can bring some to you in a to go bag with some bagels
me: I'm actually on a diet. I should probably only have the salad and feta.
4:06 PM Matthew: I'm so bored I'm looking at a google maps picture of Lake Pontetrain
4:09 PM me: I'm so bored I'm counting the number of dots on that little keyboard icon that indicates you're typing to see if it matches up with an actual keyboard.
36 minutes
4:46 PM me: "Christian Debt Services". Why specifically Christian? Is their debt different from mine?
4:49 PM Matthew: yes
their's is a spiritual debt
4:54 PM me: Hence purgatory, which is like God's prison colony.
4:55 PM Matthew: only for Catholics dude
you are not allowed
me: You think I want to live with you fucks in the heavenly equivalent of Australia? No thanks.
It's never cold in hell.

2006-12-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

Testing Out Linkage

A blog within a blog.

The Return of Workday: This time it's fucking boring.

2006-12-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

I was away from work for six days. Six glorious days of basking in the warm glow of my computer monitor as I battled devils in a game dating to the glory days of Sega, the Genesis. Oh, I also spent some time with my family and shit like that, but that pales in comparison to saving an entire world from devils. Ask any Evangelical and they'll tell you of the nefarious exploits of devils, demons and God.

Alas, my devil fighting has been put on hold so I might sit and shiver in the cold light of my work computer monitor. Work has entered what I like to call the Holiday Doldrums. I like to call it that because I am unoriginal. I'm a derivative of a copy of a forgery. Which is only slightly better than being one of the retards who uploaded their own version of "Dick in a Box" to youtube. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. They are assholes.

To keep this from turning into too much of a ramble, I'll just say that I hope everyone who reads this had a merry Christmas (or Festivus, or whatever) and will have an exceedingly good New Year. If you need me, I'll be downloading porn.

Writers Writing Badly

2006-11-21T09:06:00.000-05:00

Ah, so many writers strive to write elegant prose and convey as much as possible in the fewest words, but what happens when they use their writing powers for evil? Painfully awkward sentences with far too many commas and conjunctions and unneccessary five dollar words (odd that inflation hasn't upped the prices in at least fifty years) and cringe-inducing, grin-bringing metaphors is what. Here's my personal favorite:

"The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know."

For more, follow the link.

Election Day!

2006-11-07T15:29:00.000-05:00

Well, we've come to that magical time of year when about a quarter of the American population turns out at the polls to elect a few hudred assholes to national seats of power and a few thousand more to fiefdoms at the state, city and county level. I will be spending this one as I have spent all of them since my 12th birthday, draped in an American flag with nothing on underneath and drunkenly watching the election results roll in. I'm not sure why my parents insisted I get drunk back in '87, maybe because of Iran-Contra or Bork's beatdown, but I'm not one to fuck with a good tradition.

I have voted one time in my life, and I didn't care for it. For everyone who thinks it is our civic responsibility to vote in all of these farces, just remember that at best your vote amounts to one one thousandth of someone's election chances. At worst, your state-wide races in populous states, you factor in at a one in eight million clip, or worse in the most populous. What does that mean? Only that your vote is fairly inconsequential. Granted, if everyone thought and acted as I do no one would receive a vote and democracy would die pretty quickly, but there are always earnest people who actually believe that some nimrod actually believes in their particular cause(s) or that the world would be a better place if only Amendment 2 was passed or rejected. I just don't think it matters all that much. They'll do fairly similar things regardless of who wins. Sure, I have my preferences, but they mostly involve leaving me alone, not a popular course of action in politics. Everyone wants to fuck with things, change them, ban them, restrict them, etc. I don't want to in most cases and neither of the two parties in the system agree with me. So, basically, spare me the sanctimony.

Oh, if you're stupid, don't vote. I don't care who you would vote for or against. DON'T VOTE! You'll just fuck everything up with your idiotic reasoning. You're the problem. You're the people politicians buy so easily with empty promises and grand rhetoric. Outside of a pogrom, your inaction is the only solution. Think about the children. Think about the time you could spend watching Oprah. Whatever it takes to dissuade you from voting, think about it.

I do still follow things, despite my general apathy, so I'll make the not so bold prediction that at the end of the counts and recounts and court cases the Dems will control the houst by a slim margin and the Reps will hold the Senate by an even slimmer margin.

An Unusually Positive Blog

2006-11-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

I've decided to take a brief break from typing about things that annoy me and link to something that I actually like. So, here's an indie musician I came across yesterday. You can listen to full versions of all of his songs and order his CDs if you'd like. Personally, I like his "Thing A Week III" songs, RE Your Brains and Code Monkey. Chiron Beta Prime is also pretty funny. Thought I'd put the word out. It could very well increase his number of hits by a factor of four...or maybe by the number of four.

http://www.jonathancoulton.com/songs

DJs Even Less Cool Than The One on Full House

2006-10-31T09:06:00.000-05:00

Why do I hate DJs? Is it the asinine names? The "talent" of putting records on turntables and fiddling with knobs? The fact that every one I've met is a completely narcissistic asshole? It's partially due to those things, but the basic reason is that they are purely and irredeemably evil. So I thought I might take a trip around myspace for the most heinous examples of this evil.

First up we have DJ Fire whose page greets us with this thought provoking quote: "I am blind, yet I see. I am deaf, yet I hear. I am mute, yet I speak." What other oxymoronic statements did he leave out? "I am dead, yet I breathe. I am talentless, yet I get paid for this. I am gay, yet women love me." Truly DJ Fire is a paradox.

Up next is DJ Beat, who I'm pretty sure molests children when he isn't playing with his bandmates Acid 4.0 Pro and Fruityloops 3.0/5.0 Producer Edition. Here's a good rule of thumb. If your bandmates have version numbers then you have no bandmates.

I guess if you're an Ecuadorian immigrant living in Flushing you need some kind of gimmick, but DJing should be very far down that list. One should not sell his soul for acceptance. I only hope that DJ Doughboy gets the help he needs. If he truly wants to rep ecuador 2 da fullest he should do something truly Ecuadorian, like stage a coup or run some drugs or work for some corporation paying him a subsistent wage for picking bananas. Really, anything but DJing.

"Life is musik. Musik is life." Spelling is for losers who don't spin. Or so I infer from DJ Frost's page. Aside from being a DJ he also made a fucking illegible page that could cause blindness if you actually tried to read it. Fortunately you don't have to, because all that you need to know about it is that he has some sort of Phantom Zone cube floating in the middle. I don't know how he got out of the Phantom Zone, but he is obviously using the powers granted him by our yellow sun for evil. The DJ thing is just a cover, and what could be more antithetical to a mild mannered reporter than a narcissistic douchebag who thinks DJing is an artform? He's obviously not Zod, because Zod would not demean himself so. He must be a minion.

To be continued...

Today in Online Kookery

2006-10-19T14:12:00.001-04:00

Well, normally I do words, and I was going to save Mormonism for last in my religion review, but this is too good. Enjoy.

Fake Talk Show Commercials

2006-10-19T09:26:00.000-04:00

I gave up cable to limit my TV watching. With cable I would find myself watching mediocre movies on Bravo, bad '80s comedies on Comedy Central or reruns of shows I don't even like on any number of channels. I decided it had to stop. I don't miss it much, except for being able to watch 80 college football games on any Saturday from the beginning of September to the beginning of December. However, I still watch TV occasionally, The Office and a few other shows regularly and whatever might be on when I first wake up in the morning. What is on when I wake up is one of three things: God, People's Court or Infomercials. Yeah, who'd have thought The People's Court would be preferable to anything? Though the God shows can be entertaining sometimes. That fervor, while a little scary, is also a little funny. Sunday mornings you get Hagee, the end times guy and I wish he was on every morning. I'd definitely watch that. Anyway, there's a guy named Kevin Trudeau who has built an empire on infomercials. He was finally busted for false advertising some years back and can no longer sell products. But he's found a new way to scam people: Books. His first one was "Natural Cures They Don't Want You to Know About" (italics his). I saw the infomercial from that one in passing and he was telling Tammy Faye Baker all about the conspiracy between the government and the drug companies to keep us all ignorant, unhealthy and buying drugs. If two lying sacks of shit can't convince you then nothing can I suppose. That one at least had the look of a shopping network as they ran through conspiracy theory after conspiracy theory and all the random encounters with people thanking Trudeau for his work you could possibly want. Now, he's released a follow up called "More Natural Cures Revealed" and has taken the ad into the skeezy realm of the fake talk show. I don't know who believes that there is a randomly timed talk show featuring only one guest and the exact same dialog every time, but this is the most underhanded form of infomercial nonetheless. I've seen them with Danny Bonaducci as host, I've heard them on the radio and now I've seen one featuring king of the infomercial scam, Kevin Trudeau. They must dupe people because the infomercial scene has been moving that way for some time. And when I think that it's obviously not real as the host says, "Your product is so great, I hardly believe it's possible." and the "guest" says, "It is great. Here's an example. I was walking down the street in Walla Walla when this little old lady came up and said she had suffered from arthritis for 300 years and there was nothing her doctor could do. She was in pain all the time. She tried drinking Antiarth 3000 for two weeks and not only was the pain completely gone but she also had the lustrous skin and hair of a twenty year old and could jump to the tops of houses on her block. That's just one of the hundreds of similar stories I heard." I remember that a lot of people think wrestling is real.

Today in Online Kookery

2006-10-18T13:56:00.000-04:00

Biggus Rickus likes kooky religions. In fact, he likes them so much that he would be willing to spend the rest of the week on them, or as long as it takes before they are all catalogued. And now he will stop referring to himself in the third person. Don't get me wrong. I think religion in general has a certain amount of kookiness, but maybe, just maybe there's some ancient wisdom contained in there somewhere, something to the supernatural claims. Maybe we're just too cynical to see the miracles anymore. Maybe. However, when your deity died in 1934 I have a very hard time taking you at all seriously. And so we come to the Nation of Islam, or NOI as it is abbreviated. The NOI grew up as a religious organization to improve the lot of blacks. Sounds nice until you actually know what they believe is necessary in their eyes to improve that lot. This bastardized form of Islam isn't all bad, but it's bad enough in enough ways to be deplorable. Racism, sexism, homophobia...maybe it isn't as bastardized a form as I thought now that I think about it. But don't take my word for it.

http://www.noi.org/

Today in Online Kookery

2006-10-16T13:34:00.000-04:00

I think I'll forego my own introduction and just post a snippet from Betty's essay.

"Many a well-intentioned person has asked me, "Betty, what exactly is The Homosexual Agenda?" Well, if you have to ask, you are probably already under its pernicious influence and blithely hop-scotching your way straight to Hell."

My only comment is that she should have used "sashaying" instead of "hop-scotching" given the subject matter.

http://www.bettybowers.com/homoagenda.html

Today in Online Kookery

2006-10-13T12:51:00.000-04:00

I'm something of a conspiracy enthusiast. I don't really believe any of these things I read or see, but I love them all the same. What do Chandra Levy, the Mossad, the CIA, terrorism, the bin Laden family, JFK's assassination, mind control, WACO and any other bad thing from the last few decades have in common? Beats the fuck out of me, but in a truly breathtaking example of connecting the dots the mastermind behind northstarzone will fill you in. The truth is out there.

http://www.geocities.com/northstarzone/LEVY.html

Today in Online Kookery

2006-10-12T15:23:00.000-04:00

The problem with starting a blog with no clear purpose in mind is coming up with things to post. Sure I could do an online diary, but those usually turn into online diarrheas of whiny nonsense. So I've come up with this segment for both of my readers. Our first installment will focus on the longest running form of kookery, the "60 Minutes" of kookery if you will, rabid antisemitism. If you've ever been sitting at home, in your car or your office and asked yourself, "Self, why do we hate the Jews?" you should have been sitting in Church like a non-heathen listening to Pastor Mark Downey's sermon. You're in luck, however, as the good pastor has brought his message to the masses via the world wide web in this rousing 29 part sermon about the "mongrel" "subspecies" of "half-breeds" that make up worldwide "Jewry" (for clarification, that is not how a Korean immigrant says jewelry). Enlightenment is only a click away.

http://www.kinsmanredeemer.com/WhyWeHateJews.htm

Riverside and the Hooker

2006-10-05T14:19:00.000-04:00

My friend lives in a bad neighborhood, the kind where you don't worry about the people who are missing. Homeless wander around his streets at night, probably during the day as well. Hookers conduct business nearby, trying to get that next fix. This is a story from a night in this neighborhood:

I walk outside, high on Sparks and a little marijuana. It is a Friday, not dissimilar from many other Fridays. I am ready to go to bed, can hear the siren calls of my sheets from all the way across town. It's a good feeling, happy exhaustion. From the distance I hear a, "Hey!" I know noone but my friend in this neighborhood, and it is not his voice. I ignore it. I move to open my car door. Again I hear a, "Hey!" proceeded by a, "Hold up!" or maybe, "Hold on!" I turn to see a small blond woman in a white t-shirt and faded blue jeans approaching at a too-fast walk, the walk of the stimulant. She is perhaps fifty feet away, flagging me down. She is small and a woman. I don't fear her, and so I wait. First I get in my car though, and hope she won't bother me. I am not that lucky. She walks up to my car and asks that I roll down the window. In my slightly inebriated state I accidentally roll down the rear driver's side window instead of mine. This accidental sign of mistrust actually works in my favor I think. She leans in, asks me to drive her to the store to get food for her baby. She says this too fast, the words spilling out. She shows me her stomach as proof of her motherhood. It is shriveled like a raisin and it makes me feel a little nauseated. Thankfully, she lowers her shirt. I agree to give her a ride. She offers to sit in back, but that is an impossibility. The backseat of my car is a catchall for anything that goes into my car. CDs are everywhere. There is an air filter for my air-conditioning unit that I keep forgetting to take upstairs. There are various other items that were not important enough to bother with taking upstairs at some point in time and have been sitting there ever since. There is also the fact that a stranger obviously on some form of cocaine or meth is not a trustworthy rear passenger. I do not fear her, but I'm not a complete fool. I transfer my CDs from the passenger seat to the blackhole that is the back, and she gets in.

She tells me her name, and I immediately forget it. She says there is a store not far. I am not familiar with the neighborhood, knowing only the quickest way to and from my friend's apartment. She gives me directions, while babbling at a high rate of speed. I pay little attention. I am judgemental and she is beneath me. Look at what has come of her life. She will offer me a sexual favor at some point for this simple kindness. It's pathetic. I don't like her, feel little sympathy for her. However, I am bound by my moral code, the "do unto others" bit. I cannot not help her. I converse in short sentences, "Turn here?", "Now what?" "That's too bad." I am not paying attention to most of what I'm saying. I look over every so often out of curiosity and get that nauseous feeling again. She is used up. She can't be more than 35, but she is wrinkled as much as my grandmother was in her final days. Her hair is bleached and brittle. Her eyes are too big. She is a junkie. She directs me to turn, tells me there is a store ahead. It is closed. I'm not to worry because there is another nearby, just a few blocks. This one is open. She needs money. I haven't thought of that, despite it being obvious. She does not want me to go in with her. Too embarrassing to have some stranger pay in public I suppose. I go in and use the ATM, take out a twenty. She is rocking in the seat when I return. A junkie. I give her the twenty. She thanks me, tells me she will reward me. I feel sick. She is not gone long and is walking hurriedly, even more than before. She gets in the car and tells me to leave. Another woman comes out yelling and pointing. It is her sister she says. I roll my window down to see what she is saying. It isn't nice. I don't stay. I pull out. She apologizes, complains about her sister's behavior. I do not comment. I am disgusted by her and am worried that I might say so if I speak. She directs me to another store, not far thankfully. She goes in, comes out after a time with an ice cream in one hand and a brown bag in the other. I ask what she got. I don't care. I drive her home. She asks me questions, "Are you married?" "Where do you live?" "Do you like head?" I answer, "No." "Southside." "Yes." She calls me sexy. I'm surprised that I like the compliment coming from her. I am still nauseous though. I tell her I didn't give her the ride for that. She says she just likes to do it, surely a lie. I do not flat out refuse, but make the point all the same. She directs me to a street, has me pull up to the curb. She thanks me and gets out. I drive home.

Abortion

2006-06-05T15:36:00.000-04:00

I don't fully understand why this issue is so contentious, but people go crazy over it, a few to violent degrees. My own view begins at the basic freedom we have, the right to live. This is the one necessary for all of the other natural rights we've come to accept. I could get into the fact that rights are not "natural" but rather a generally accepted platform on which we base our society, but I'll use the common terminology for this. The right to life is conferred at birth under our current view of things. However, this is an arbitrary rule. One is a human being when he leaves the womb and comes crying into the world, but one is not a human being the minute prior to that when the only basic difference is that he is still inside. That is absurd to me. If the argument is that it is dependant upon the mother at that point, then why is a child not disposable in the first few years of life when it would most certainly die without care? But perhaps you agree with me and are opposed to late term abortions. Where is the line drawn? If it is essentially the same being at eight and a half months, is it the same at eight, seven, six, five or one? If not, why not? Why do we think it appropriate to draw a line on the beginning of human life, even in its earliest stages? Most people in America are Christians, therefore some of those who favor abortion rights believe in the soul. Are they arrogant enough to believe they know when the entity is endowed with the soul?

I do not believe in a soul myself, and I do not approach abortion from a religious perspective, though I do approach it morally. Life should be protected. That is my starting point. From that beginning I cannot rightly see an end where the destruction of a human life, even in its most simple form is appropriate. The sperm and the egg are different for those who would be smartasses about this matter. All eggs do not become fertilized and all sperm do not fertilize the egg, so these are not human life. Human life begins at the point the sperm fertilizes the egg. To argue that is to argue that a pregnancy in it's first few weeks is different from a pregnancy in its sixth month, and I find it hard to believe that a moral argument can be made that would demonstrate such a view to be correct. Brain activity? Bah! That's no more than a happy rationalization, another arbitrary line. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are our rights, and notice which is first. Without it the other two are impossible, and as enlightened as we have become we can still be incredibly callous. Abortion is one such example.

Silly Love Songs

2006-05-30T08:59:00.000-04:00

I'm a reader of National Review, in the digital sense. This includes a subscription to NRO with an online account. The internet is wonderful in that regard, allowing access to such publications without having to deal with magazines lying around until you throw them away. But I digress. One of their contributors, John J. Miller, compiled a list of the top 50 conservative rock songs. The list included such songs as Sympathy for the Devil, Won't Get Fooled Again, Taxman and Sweet Home Alabama. Leaving aside the politics of the individual songs, I find the whole exercise absurd. Pop songs are good at capturing a moment, a single thought, an emotional experience, etc. They do not do well at capturing larger concepts, and when acts try to broaden the sentiments it tends to sound incredibly shallow and trite. That has been a conservative claim of music and artists since the '60s when music became highly political. More to the point, it's true, regardless of the message of a song. To single out songs for political purposes devalues the artform. Music is about, well, music. The message of the lyrics is inconsequential. I Am The Walrus is a prime example of this. The lyrics are intentionally nonsensical. "Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye" is not meant to convey some deep meaning. Yet the song stands as a testament to the Beatles' and Lennon's ability to craft and produce a song. I understand the conservative desire to attach the meaning they prefer to songs they love, but just leave it alone. It's silly when liberal slogans make it into songs, and it becomes no less silly when some kind of conservative interpretation is applied to songs that happen to have an anti-authority message. To quote the Doobie Brothers, "listen to the music."

Gator Bait

2006-05-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

A baby alligator has taken up residence in the retention pond outside the building in which my office resides. An e-mail advising us not feed it was circulated around the building. The reason is obvious, but just in case I'm mistaken in that, it is because the alligator will become too comfortable in the presence of human beings and become a danger as it gets older. They put the alligator down if this happens. This strikes me as overkill, pardon the pun. There are many places in south Florida where gators are and people are not. Why not just ship it there? Or why not send it to a zoo or The Alligator Farm (which is an actual tourist attraction)? Not that I'll lose sleep over it if it does happen. I'm no protector of beasts. I just don't understand the logic of killing it when there are other options.